I have lost every single tomato plant that I so carefully stakes and tied due to late blight. I have planted and then tilled under entire rows of crops. Loss of opportunities to plant (too wet, too dry, too late, too buggy, too dark, too rainy, too tired) and loss of opportunities to harvest (too wet, too dry, too late, too buggy, too dark, too rainy, too weedy, too bored (picking is not may favorite), too tired (stiff knuckles and sore knees). Loss of vegetables to sell because they are too small, too big, too many insect holes, too cracked, too yellow, too flowering, too cheap, too funny looking (all those go into the compost bin - unless you have daring CSA members). Loss of vegetables due to insects, woodchucks, deer and fungus. There seems to be a lot of loss in farming. But this whole experience with farming has taught me (and continues to teach me, I must be a slow learner!) to let go (and this is very hard for me to do). As long as I "owned" this land, this black dirt, I could protect me and my family (and my extended family, the CSA) from hunger. That those poor people starving in Somalia were just that, poor people starving in Somalia (what have any of us done in the past week to help alleviate such problems?). That somehow the Irish potato famine had nothing to do with me. Somehow, I thought that if I could just learn how to grow all these vegetables, I would never be hungry. Climate change (global warming is now a dirty word) and my own personal lack of control is much more troubling. It's the bigger picture that is so worrisome. No, it's not all these things that bother me. We were able to hire a crane operator to remove the fallen tree from our roof and will hire someone to repair the roof and windows of our barn (I think these natural disasters are what keep our economy going!) And we will take our time, dry out all the equipment (my husband is particularly adept at fixing things), prep the fields and plant the 200 pounds of garlic seed that we just ordered (ah, the seduction of farming!). Nor do we depend upon the vegetables for our survival or even livelihood (in fact, most small farmers either have some outside work for income unless they are large enough to be on the dole (government subsidies and/or crop insurance). Thanks to everyone who emailed for your concern and support. And the full harvest of butternut squash (it still needs curing). With the first greens of garlic (it avoids the rush of farming). So, even though this year has been a wash (both financially and spiritually and sometimes a wash is good!), I will be here next year. And so, even though sometimes I would like to give it up, I can't. I have spent a lot of time on my hands and knees planting and weeding and no, I am not complaining, this has been my choice (and I love this part of it) the planting and weeding. Because I know that once I do, it'll be gone. He grows (he grew, now, he sells to those who grow but it's not the same). If so, he would probably still be loading up his 12MX, his pumpkin planter, of which we bought one and finally figured the thing out this year, and he'd be out there planting something, anything, for that is what he is, what he does. And I knew that he wished he had had this support when farming. We were massively flooded." "Ah, yes, but you had the support of the CSA," he said wistfully. "But I had to end the CSA early this year. "So, you're still doing this?" he asked incredulously. About double lines and shoe openers and needle-end lettuce seed. About air pressure and double disk openers. It was Dave who gave me the idea of breaking down each of the fields into smaller fields, like my garden, with multiple raised beds to plant and rotate crops with strips of grass to drive on. Dave spent hours on the phone with me discussing equipment and various options of various equipment, the combinations are countless. When I had nothing but a dream and some money from selling the laundro-mat and a very supportive husband. He was one of the first people that I talked to when I first started this venture. And even though I have had to plug my nose while cleaning up the barn and cabin and while driving to and from the farm, I am thinking about planters. (You can see why I never majored in science, the science of it escapes me entirely). But I keep remembering that little bit of science that I learned in high school, that the number of molecules in one vial of liquid when spread in all the ocean water would still be a lot. When I'm standing in the fields, it feels like I am standing by the ocean.
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